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How to Stop Fighting With Your Girlfriend

More in my answer on Quora

  • While these tips might work for readers with male partners, I think these tips are optimized for males in opposite-sex relationships.
  • Also, I’ve never been in a relationship with a man, so I have no idea how to avoid arguments with them.
  • Obviously, “Girlfriend” applies to “Wife” as well.

How to stop fighting with your girlfriend:

  • Most men think their partners want them to solve a problem, but what they really want is for you to just fucking listen.
    • This is the number 1 problem men have in arguments.
  • Don’t solve any problems before:
    • Your girlfriend has expressed how they feel about what is concerning them.
    • You have made her understand that you can see things from her point of view. This must be done sincerely.
      • This absolutely must come first. Even if you feel the urge to say “But I didn’t say that!”. Say it after you’ve done this. She’ll be calmed down and validated enough to hear you out.
    • And maybe not solve the problem at all. Are you even sure she needs you to do that?
  • You don’t have to agree with someone to be able to put yourself in their shoes and let them know you are doing that.
    • To you, their complaint may be silly, inaccurate, unfair, or whatever, but that’s not what you’re empathizing with.
    • You are empathizing about how they feel.
    • Maybe you did everything right coming home at the time you did, but you should start with saying you understand why they would be upset for having to wait and not knowing when you’d be home.
  • If you have no idea how to empathize with the particular issue she has raised, that’s precisely what you need to work on before you can get anywhere else.
    • Empathizing needs to be sincere and not passive aggressive. You’re letting her know you’re feeling for her and also taking steps to understand for yourself.
  • Never ever raise your voice or use insults. Once you’ve broken that seal, you’re pitting rationality against aggression.
  • Your girlfriend gets an open door policy with you. Never compromise this. She should understand that she can always feel comfortable bringing up any issue with you.

Both of you need to hold each other to:

  • Not walking away. However uncomfortable the conversation may be, walking away is aggressive.
  • No “Empathy by example.” This is when you want someone to feel how badly something hurts by just doing it back to them.
    • However, it is okay to use past examples where the tables were turned to help them to see how you might be hurt.
  • Again, no raising voices, no insults, no swearing.

Great reading: